Perplexed, but not driven to despair

Time seems to pass so quickly these days. 33? I know that seems young to some of you, but part of me feels like I was just a kid a few days ago. It makes me wonder what I am doing with my days.

At 33, I have five beautiful children from the perfect husband. When we started out, I had so many plans for my family. I knew what kind of Mom I would be, how our household would run, what I would teach my children, how I would point them to Jesus. As I sit here today and recall the life that I envisioned for myself back then, I don't recognize the woman in the vision. It certainly isn't me! Where did that woman go? And where did this selfish, quick-tempered, lazy, half-hearted mother come from?

Obviously, this woman was me all along, I just didn't know it. It took the course of everyday life to show me. It was easy to play all of this out in my mind... not so easy to live it. For all of the desires and plans that I had of pouring myself into my family and showing them the love of Jesus, when the truth is revealed, it turns out I am one of the most lazy, selfish people I know. I spend most of my time trying to figure out how to get what I want, whether that be quiet, or time to play music uninterrupted, or a way to get out of making dinner, or countless other things.

The thing is, I have known myself to be this way for years now, and I have determined time after time to change it, and I can't (or don't want to.) So what's the point? Why keep trying? Why not just give up and go my own way? I mean, if I am so displeased with who I am, surely the Perfect and Holy God is even more displeased and has no intention of continuing to bless my life, anyway! Sounds like a logical time to quit.

BUT, in my despair, when my soul is parched and faints within me, the Lord draws me to the well of His Living Water and I read,

14 For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified... 23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. (Hebrews 10)

5 For through the Spirit, by faith, we ourselves eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness. (Galatians 5)

8 Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing... 18 The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever. (2 Timothy 4)

28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11)

“Hallelujah!
For the Lord our God
the Almighty reigns.
7 Let us rejoice and exult
and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
and his Bride has made herself ready;
8 it was granted her to clothe herself
with fine linen, bright and pure" (Revelation 19)

“The time has come, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe the good news.” Mark 1:15
(and the list of scripture that the Lord has used in my heart today goes on and on!)

The good news is this: Jesus has come to fulfill the law... Jesus has come to be the single offering... Jesus has perfected me... Jesus has bid my children come to him... and He will make His call effectual in His will and timing... Jesus is who my blessing depends on, not me... Jesus is calling me to repent of my prideful self-assessment and believe the Good News.

"Lord, you are so gracious, and so sweet the way that you have drawn me to you. I am proud and stubborn and I want to assess my good works. And when they are lacking, I am surprised? In the midst of my pride, you have led me to the blessed truth once again. He who has promised is faithful! I am not faithful, and I cannot expect to be, YOU are faithful. And the reason that you had to make such great a sacrifice is because I can't be trusted. Thank you for the freedom found in renouncing my ability to reform myself. Let me rest in you, for your burden is light. Shine through me and allow my children to see you, and not me. Oh, go ahead, show them how spiritually bankrupt I am! And let them see that they are the same. But then show them that the debt has been paid!!

I adore you, Lord, and I long for more and more of you until one day... my joy will be full in your presence."